Episode 13. Is People Pleasing Keeping You Stuck?

Are you saying yes to everything that's asked of you? Are you burnt out? This might be a sign that you're people pleasing. 

You might be thinking, "But wait, I like to do things for other people, is that people pleasing?" 

Let's chat about the difference between people pleasing and serving others, why we might get into people pleasing mode, and how to get unstuck if you're in a people pleasing period. 

Thank you for listening! We love you latte!

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-Ashley & Carrie
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Transcript

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hey it's Carrie and Ashley we welcome you to the self-care Cafe we are both

health professionals and moms and nature lovers and food lovers and love helping

women get over dieting and just start living we think that talking about

bodies and perfect bodies and dieting is just oh boring

have you put you to sleep there Carrie yes so if you are ready to ditch try

anything and get to living and talk about more important things than you are in the right place we don't put shame

and guilt on the menu here we don't even have to tip us nope

come hang with us the advice is free we want to have a bunch of girlfriends to just hang out with and get real with and

it's time to start living ladies

hey Carrie hey Ashley how are you I'm okay I'm a little tired today how about

you uh same um sounds like you're more tired than me today though okay we're switching we're

recording a little bit earlier in the day than we normally do also yeah Ashley's not a morning person no

I made her do it today though that's okay that's all right got me up and moving which is a good thing yes

well what do we have on the menu today how about talking about I think we

mentioned it in one of our last episodes and we said we were gonna do an episode about it so here we are I'm talking

about the difference between people pleasing and serving others because they sound so similar yes and

I love this topic because by Nature I am a people pleaser well I shouldn't

say by Nature I think we're conditioned towards that right well we kind of sometimes in some ways we condition

ourselves but we can also be sort of conditioned by other people

um so today we're going to talk about what is the difference between people pleasing versus serving others

um and we always say it's going to be a shorter one but you never know

yeah I think it's interesting because like you said sometimes it's the conditioning that we

get from you know like our society our culture but then also our own doing and

I think one of the last episodes we talked about how we feel like we have to do it all and that's a big part of it

too like we have to say yes to everything or else we're not being good enough humans or citizens of our

community yeah and I I think too that depending on

you know I like to talk a lot about living even beliefs like what are our what's our belief system and we've got

um more positive beliefs within we also have those limiting beliefs that limit us and so if if you struggle for

instance with a belief that um I'm not going to be loved and

accepted by this person or by this group unless I do XYZ then you're going to

always find yourself doing XYZ so some of the underlying

um Foundation reasons or whatever for people pleasing is sort of this wanting

to be long wanting to be loved um to feel safe

um and so there's um guys also fear-based right

um but in in a lot of ways it's also self-serving because we want to feel

those things um that's where that difference comes in for self-serving versus serving others

um so for me I I did for years I had fallen

into that um that that we all have that want and that need right to be loved and accepted

and belong and to feel safe and so when we

whether we're conditioned by our circumstances or and then we carry that with us right because then that becomes

a habit that we do basically of people pleasing other people and like Ashley

mentioned it's sometimes we need to say no we get so conditioned to say yes yes

yes I'll do that and then what happens God then we're burnt out and overwhelmed

and stressed and so before we get too far in our chatting what is the

difference Carrie between people pleasing and serving others when you are people pleasing you it is

it is more self-serving um it's also is more coming from a place

of kind of control right so you're kind of trying to control the circumstances it also it doesn't feel great like you

like Ashley's mentioned the overwhelm and resentment like resentment also builds up right because like okay yeah I

like I you know let me also back up like there is some overlap like a lot of us

who people please also many times we do get filled up by serving others

but knowing the difference uh between those things when you are people

pleasing you just get depleted right your buckets when you serve others when

you're truly serving others from a heart of service um it feels good you want to do it you

don't do it because you feel like you have to or out of some duty to to do it right it's because you want to it fills

you up it lights you up you get excited about it it feels good um and it fills your bucket versus

people pleasing depletes that does that make sense yeah for sure and I think um

maybe we can give some examples to explain a little bit better about what

we're talking about and the difference so something that was coming to my mind was like with the people pleasing

thinking about saying yes to everything um like uh kids school bake sales and kids

activities and going out with friends and all of it every time someone asks

you to do something you say yes like Carrie said maybe out of Duty or like the responsibility or obligation

um instead we could think of it as like oh I really like baking that's something

I'm good at and I really like participating in the kids fake sale so being able to take that step back and

reflect before you make your choice instead of just like autopiloting saying yes to

everything yeah and I think too that um we are afraid of maybe offending

people so we don't want to offend people we don't want to a lot of people

Pleasers have that avoidant kind of personality because we avoid conflicts we just want to make everybody happy

yeah and and one other thing too like with with your kids school stuff

um I feel like sometimes we also have Mom guilt if we say no to anything to do

with our kids in school and it's like well they're gonna think I'm a bad mom or they're gonna think I don't care

about my kid or the school like like we spiral pretty fast in those pretty extreme thoughts

um and that's a great way of putting a that spiral that Viral but they probably

asked a bunch of other people too and it's just like if you say no they're

gonna move on to somebody else right and and here's here's another way here's a way to reframe it which we're going to

get to more but since we're already on this topic what if you always saying yes

is taking away someone else's opportunity to participate oh that's a

great way to look at that what if someone else might maybe for them it would be serving

versus your people pleasing because you're just afraid to say no yeah and for them they have maybe they have the

time or the talent or whatever and you're taking that away from them right um yeah and a way to reframe it and if

you're saying yes every time to like the same um event or the same thing or whatever

sometimes you get labeled as like that's your responsibility now basically like

because some people don't give up like right because Carrie always does that Carrie's always going to do it and so

why would I bother um trying to help or whatever right or maybe they've tried to help but because

they're they remember there's an underlying component of control right so

which means there's an underlying component of perfectionism and so how many times do we say well No

One's Gonna if I don't do it no one's gonna do it's not gonna get done or if it's going to get done right it has

to be me that does it yeah why is it your responsibility to say yes to

everything and to have to do everything yeah right are you taking on other people's responsibilities when we do

with our kids too I know because I've done it you know

like and really as parents one of our jobs as with our kids is to

um help them be independents and so when we're always doing everything for them

they don't learn those skills it's another reframe like how you know is

this a skill that I am basically neglecting my child learning yeah I

think that like I think that's a great point because I'm sort of experiencing that right now so my daughter's eight

and it's such an interesting age because you go from toddler and like younger

child too now she's a little bit older and she can definitely do more stuff but

the transition for me has been tricky because I'm not used to having her be

able to do this stuff and so it's almost like again the autopilot like I've always done this for her or with her or

whatever but now I know she can do it but it's hard to get out of the habit too and it's it's also interesting

because she's becoming her own person now and it's just a really fun time but it's also like I said such a

transitional period right yeah it's hard it's hard to let go too because Also

let's say you're giving her chores to do right and you are used to doing the chore let's say

load the dishwasher a certain way we do this with our with our significant others too oh yes right yes doing it

wrong yeah and then and then what do they do throw their hands up like well just do it yourself then and so there's

that that controlling component that is kind of Insidious and sneaky

with the people-pleasing because on the outside it looks like we are Wonder

Woman right like we can we can do it all but the problem is you can't do it all

well right yeah and you know what Carrie I'm convinced that sometimes if we're

doing a chore all the time and then someone else helps us do it I feel like they do it quote unquote wrong on

purpose so that we'll say yes forget it

oh my God some component of that but I just there was a great and and it

was a great reminder um and actually this this reframe a few

years ago was pivotal for improving my relationship with my significant other

and it was um it was uh Mel Robbins uh an Instagram post that she did

yesterday that I saw and it was um don't be mad at someone for not

acting or behaving I can't remember the exact wording um the way you want them or for not being the person you want

them to be yeah right like we we that people pleasing because in a way where

so like if you're the meal maker or whatever sometimes right we want to them

to be eating what we want them to eat yeah well right because if we're

planning the meals we're kind of going off like I know when I do it I'm like oh what sounds good to me this week and maybe I get input from somebody else but

my significant other isn't really home that much I don't get to see them very often and so I don't get input from them

and so it makes it hard and we're just expecting them to have the same

preferences so yeah well then we get offended right when they're like I I

don't I didn't want mayonnaise on this or I didn't I was like what do you mean you know I it's this is how it's

supposed to be served right when you take a step back and start talking about this out loud you

realize just how silly some of it is and the way that we think because if someone

was doing that to us it would be like well I just don't like mayonnaise or I don't want you know like in in like and

we wouldn't expect them to get all bent out of shape over you know so it's just so ridiculous sometimes

so yeah there's that that I really and even like with the people pleasing

we do it like like you said Ashley on autopilot um so we don't even really realize that

we're doing it and that's why we talk that's why we're talking about it because we want you to start noticing

and that's really one of the first things just start noticing like and and

ask yourself be honest with yourself am I doing this to control the situation

because control is quote unquote safe

it keeps us in our comfort zone because if we're in control of the situation which we think we are but you know when

when people are in our that's who knows what they're doing but that's that's

where the trust comes in trust in yourself trusting the people in your life

um but yeah and like I said I have had

to work on this big time um and you and it's like you always have to work on it's not like oh I worked on

it I'm done I'm good you know because when you start working on yourself and

your habits and your mindset and when you think just when you think you have

it down life is going to test you and throw you that curveball to see just how

well you really have in town right because you can always go deeper

right yeah and something else I was just thinking about too I think it changes based on your season of life too like

we've talked about before because I used to say yes to everything because I had the energy I had the capability I wanted

to do it most of the time maybe there were a few things I you know and then here's the other piece too like

sometimes we say yes because we are excited about it and then it comes time to like do it and you're like how'd I do

this yes so pay attention to those moments too right like yeah that's a great Point yes because that I've done

that so many times like I'll say yes out of my people-pleasing ways and then

once I start like you said like it's almost like you feel like this heaviness like it's a burden that's another good

clue too that I'm glad you brought that up because that is another great clue that you are people pleasing when all

this when you just maybe not in the in the first moment when you say yes but

then all of a sudden it's like it's just this heaviness it's like why did I just

say yes to that right you start thinking about what you're going to have to do to get this done whatever it is

and it's just like Ugh it's just an ick that comes yes the X Factor yeah yeah

it's like oh I just and then if you and I have backed out you know I'll

apologize like I just you know I thought I'd have time for this and I don't and that's another thing uh learn another

learned um skill too is sometimes you do have to back out

um right but when you learn to say no more

often you don't have to do the backtrack thing right

so notice when you're doing it is this something you've had to work on

ash so I feel like a little bit but I think I've just sort of it's been a little bit more natural for me I think

because I don't I almost I'm a homebody and I

don't really get reached out to from many places I guess maybe it's more of a

work thing than a like school or family thing for me um I think I did have to practice saying

no to work things because every opportunity I saw I was like oh that

sounds like a good idea like everything and then I said wait a second what are my goals what am I trying to accomplish

and are these things actually gonna help me with this or not and so then I could I heard that from somebody else at a

conference I attended and I said that is a great way to help me decide um what things I want to pursue because

when I started my private practice and working from home instead of working like my clinical nine to five I was able

to do anything I wanted right and so I have a hard time when I have all of the

options in front of me to narrow down which ones I want to do and so I think yes I've had to work on it for more of a

work perspective of like what things are going to help me do what

I want and I will say yes to those and what are the things that I

might like to do or that sound good but aren't really gonna help me get to where I want to be and

maybe I'll consider those a little bit closer and decide from there what to do

and I think like we were talking about instead of being on autopilot and saying yes taking that step back to really

think about it think about all the work that's involved think about how it's going to affect you and every

you know in the long run and figure out for yourself put you in the driver's

seat like we like to say um to decide no those are great points because how

many entrepreneurs like we we both are multi-preneurs multipreneurs yeah and

Through the Years like yes like I would say because you I know for myself I'm like well I

don't dare say no to anything because what if work dries up over here and

there's like that you know when you're a multi-preneur you've got all these little buckets

and so when one starts empty you can fill another one up and so it was always

kind of that um fear again it's fear-based of

um running out of work so I couldn't say no right right but

um when you know your so any of you listening if you are an entrepreneur

um you've got to have your sort of mission statement right your your purpose yeah and and also like a little

bit of a long-term goal-ish in mind like where do you want to be in five three to five years

because if you don't know that then you don't really know where you're going and

what will help you to get there right and you can kind of apply it to personal

life too like we all have a purpose you don't have to be a business owner to have a purpose we all have a purpose why

we're here so when you know what your purpose is you can also start honing

down you know like think about all the for instance you know Charities out

there and if you have a heart for so many different things but you can't possibly

say yes to all of them right so that's kind of that thing what's your purpose and what things are you say have

been saying yes to that are not fulfilling that purpose yeah and the

more the more things you say yes to that help you meet your goals or your purpose I feel like just open the door for more

of the same thing and um I remember a co-worker at my clinical

job when I was leaving to start Private Practice said something about because I was talking to her about a choice I was

making or something and she said um something about the universe will give you like what you need when you need it

and I always thought that was kind of like well I don't know if I believe in that but it was so true like it was so

interesting to me to think about like how that ended up working out like the

right I said no to one opportunity and then something else came along that was a right fit yes yeah because you open up the space

for it right so um yeah totally

um whether you believe it's the universe or God or that like when you are more honed

in on why you're here and what your mission is those opportunities come

along but if you're feeling your time you know you're filling your bucket with things that aren't really supposed to be

there right you're saying yes because um you're afraid to say no

um there's not gonna be room for the things that you're supposed to have um so we like one of our favorite

questions how is it serving you right so when you're saying yes or you're faced

with a decision whether or not to say yes or no or even maybe I mean some maybe can be a response too

or maybe not this time but next time how how is it going to serve you

um and also in general how is people pleasing how has it been serving you because

as we've said um in in previous episodes everything we

do is serving Us in some way right it's keeping us safe

um you've survived this far you're still here right so it's it's served you

um but is it still serving you how's that going for you is it serving you in the way that you write want it to be

served with you yeah getting back in that driver's seat

yep yeah and reframing hopefully we've offered a few reframes for you today

um and um serving others

so like we said serving others just it just feels good

um where people pleasing you get resentful maybe some bitterness you feel that

overwhelm like Ashley said um so what are what about boundaries Ashley

where do those come in yeah I think once you get a little more clear on

what your mission or purpose is or what things you are wanting to include

it will leave you room to be able to say no to other things or decide what

boundaries you want to have like if you want to be involved in kids school activities or

uh parent associations or whatever go into it knowing how much you want to

do like instead of signing up for everything all year maybe pick out a few events to help

with and let them know about that up front or however the schedule works for them

um I think that's one thing to think about or like if you're an entrepreneur figure

out um again what what aspects of it you're

willing to say yes or no to but also leaving Yourself room for the

flexibility piece yes yes yeah and I think too that

the people pleasing also can come into play when we start changing our habits

um I'll just like as an example let's say you we're used to getting together with

girlfriends and having a glass of wine or a cocktail or whatever and you've decided you're going to take a break from drinking

um so now you have a choice to make when you get together with these

girlfriends because what I've noticed is that people

who if they're still drinking they get uncomfortable if you're not like it's almost like they think you're judging

them when in fact it's just a choice that you've made for yourself so you're gonna keep having your cocktail when

you're with them to please them does that make sense like yeah

like sometimes you change in your habits makes other people uncomfortable right

that's a whole nother that's a whole other but it's also another reason why we might people please right exactly and

and setting the boundaries like having the conversation ahead of time maybe or

practicing it in your mind or with somebody else like role-playing because if you're expecting this conversation to

come up and you're prepared for it it'll go a lot easier and you won't feel pressured into it

um I think that's really helpful um another boundary type thing I was just thinking about is

um letting go of that perfectionist stick um mindset because

done is better than perfect yes and so

if you're swamped and someone's loading the dishwasher might be hard but let them just do it

walk away walk away don't look at it let them push start and just don't but I

think too like sometimes like in the if we take a step back and look at the big picture and the grand scheme of things

is how the dishwasher is loaded really that big a deal right like is anyone

going to die because it was loaded incorrectly according to you how you

um I I will so I when I was first married to my first husband I was doing

dishes one night he came up and he pushes me aside he says let me show you

the correct way to do this oh gosh now being the people pleaser that I am I

bit my tongue and you know but I should have said oh great you could do

the dishes right you know right um but that's just like one example that

uh of that control right that it's got to be done

our way or no way yeah my way or the highway right but it leaves it it leaves

it open to communication too because if there is something that needs to be done a certain way for XYZ reason whatever or

maybe everyone in the house thinks it needs to be done different ways maybe come together and figure out like okay

when I do it it's going to be done this way and that's just how it is um and you can do it also and you can do

it your way or maybe is there a way we can come up with together that works for everybody you know it depends on what it

is for sure so yeah and and also be careful about like if you

are saying okay go ahead you're giving more responsibility to other people don't go back and

quote unquote fix what they did right like like I said don't be mad at other people

for not being who you want them to be right um so that's that's sort of yeah those

so it's a it's a tug of war really the people pleasing and serving others the

people pleasing um comes in sort of a pretty package but really underneath um it's not so cool

so um so we challenge you just to to start noticing

um where you are maybe people pleasing and trying to take control and ask yourself is it really my

responsibility to take control of this um am I taking away someone else's

opportunity or responsibility or blessing or whatever

um out of my own fear because I feel like I need to control the situation or

whatever it is or perfectionist most most of us who are perfectionists know that we are

I think yeah I have had I have had um someone once when she's like my my

staff tells me I'm a perfectionist and I don't I don't see it [Laughter]

I'm like okay let's point out the ways right right so

um I think a lot of it is having an honest conversation with yourself to start with yeah

um as most of our ideas do yes yes so awesome anything else you want to add

Ashley I don't think so this was great where else can they find

us so we are on lots of places we're

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and we also have a little um buzz Sprout podcast website and most

of that stuff is all in the show notes so there's links right to it and we have a great little um free downloadable till

we have an episode um that's gonna talk about that

so yeah that's where you can find us and we also have a

twice a month oh yes uh twice a month um like it's kind of like a group

coaching you can just sit in and listen if you want or you can we can help you

in an area um it's pretty cool so you can where can they find out about

that um I'll I'll start putting the link in down below

Ashley does all this stuff so I'll add that peace she is my angel yeah and if

if you can't find it or it's not there by the time this airs um you can message us and we can get you that

um but yeah like Carrie said it's like a no pressure just come chat um we can coach you through some stuff

if you want to if you want to just listen that's fine too you can ask questions about anything

um food body image self-care it's a great great way to get

um get to us like some it's not quite one kind of one-on-one but um you know it's

a small group yep yeah yeah so this was a great conversation thank you for joining us today and we will see

you next time love you lots see you next time love you latte

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