Episode 24. Are You an All-or-Nothing Kind of Person? Then This Episode Is for You!

Do you find that you are an all-or-nothing person? Either you're doing it all, or you're doing nothing?

Let's chat about how to find some middle ground between structure and flexibility to make you feel less overwhelmed, especially during the holiday season!

You can even listen to Carrie coaching me and find out some of the things that work for us!
-Ashley

Content Warning: Mention of depression & anxiety

Thank you for listening! We love you latte!

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-Ashley & Carrie
This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical advice.

Transcript

hey it's Carrie and Ashley we welcome you to the self-care Cafe we are both

health professionals and moms and nature lovers and food lovers and love helping

women get over dieting and just start living we think that talking about

bodies and perfect bodies and dieting is just

boring did we put you to sleep there Carrie yes so if you are ready to ditch

dieting and get to living and talk about more important things then you are in the right place we don't put shame and

guilt on the menu here you don't even have to tip us nope come hang with us the advice is

free we want to have have a bunch of girlfriends to just hang out with and get real with and it's time to start

living

ladies hello Carrie hello Ashley how are

you I am doing well that's awesome me too so what's on the menu today well I

think think since at the time of this recording we're coming up well I guess the holidays have started we got through

Thanksgiving already um in a common theme this time of year but also any time of year depending on um you know if

you're a perfectionist or not um this all or nothing thinking oh I love this one I come

across this all the time with clients and it's so hard yeah and it's something

I've had to work on um as a recovering perfectionist um that it's so easy to

get into that mindset where if I can't get it all done right now I'm not going to do it right that's that a great

example of that all or nothing I'm gonna do it all or I'm not going to do any of

it right so there's this misconception sometimes like it's funny like for

perfectionists that perfectionists they must have like absolutely spotless homes

but can actually be the opposite it because if you don't have time to do the

entire house cleaning all at once then none of it gets done um so it's it's an

interesting it's an interesting mindset um if you and if you have this

mindset yourself you know what we're talking about and maybe you don't but you know people and this might explain a

lot about why about how they think and you might might um we're G to set shed

some light um on some of this this mindset today yeah and you know for a

personal thing like I feel like with a lot of things I live in the gray area as

opposed to the All or Nothing which we also might call like black or white thinking um and so I do tend to live in

the gray area on some things but then there are other things where I notice it too like wait I am doing this yeah so

and it's important I think to to preface this like what everything in life is not

gray like it is okay to also have like a you know right and wrong in you know

with certain things and values that are important to you um but it's important

to take some of that thinking and ask yourself um are you it's equates to

rigid thinking so a rigid mindset also or versus a flux ible mindset um so

sometimes we get so rigid and we are so stuck in like no I'm right and then that

it's that constant living to prove that you are right does that make sense yeah no matter what even if you're like no

matter what to at any cost and to any extent um and when you're constantly living to prove that you're right you

don't stop and take the time to consider another person's perspective or point of view or you know is this thought that I

have actually right because sometimes it could be a limiting belief too um or a

fear you know fear-based or you know um control which is also fear-based um so

there a lot of you know when you boil things back down to those roots um it

could be not necessarily right a right or wrong issue

it's just that that is where you are stuck you're stuck in that mindset yeah

that's a great point and that's something that I hadn't really thought of but it's definitely important because there are some and this is what is so

tricky about talking about all the things that we talk about because there are times when black and white or All or

Nothing thinking is fine and make sense but I think a lot of times it

keeps us like you said stuck and we might feel com maybe not comfortable

but it's in our comfort zone which we talk about a lot too um and so with all

things that we talk about it just takes practice to do some of this and I think that we're g to talk about that towards

the end so I guess go ahead I was gonna say um I'm glad that you brought up the comfort

zone because in some for some of us our comfort zone um the walls of our comfort

zone are uh the rules that we've made oh yes and so those rules create this wall

um um because that is safe for us that's why um remember a couple years ago we

asked um because we were just curious like what what is it about dieting that draws some people to it and some

responses that we got were that it was um more it was structure and there were

rules and they knew exactly what rules they had to follow right right and that was just really interesting to me and I

think about that and um that's that comfort zone so some of some people are

more comfortable with having those rules in place because they know what's

expected of them they right they don't have to they and they don't question them they just kind of follow so um and

that is safe for a lot of people versus other people like kicking those rules you the walls down and maybe they could

use a little war structure so it's all about figuring out

that the the balance between structure and flexibility that works for

you yeah and I'm really happy that you brought up the rule part

because sometimes those are what are keeping us stuck like I've seen this um

going around on social media off and on over the years about um somebody that was struggling with anxiety and

depression and they were talking with their therapist and the therapist was asking like how's your week going and

they were like I don't know and then the therapist was

like well what's like one thing that's overwhelming to you right now and the

person was like well it's kind of embarrassing but the dishes and so the therapist was like well why and the

person said um because I have a mountain of dishes and they're gross and I have to scrape them off and put them in the

dishwasher because my dishwasher doesn't run or clean them very well but I just

cannot stand there and do it I don't have the energy and so they had this like rule in their head about I have to

do it this way for this outcome and then the therapist suggested well why don't

you just run the dishwasher twice or three times or whatever it takes to make them clean so you're saving your energy

but you're still getting the task done and so I think that's a great thing about like opening up our minds I guess

to doing things in a different way and maybe it's a different type of rule that

we're making for ourselves or just letting go of some of those rules yeah and also doing it differently

so in that case with the dishes why not scrape the plates off when you're done

eating and put it direct rinse it off and put it directly in the dishwasher right there's so many different ways to

like go about that and I think that's great because we definitely tend to like

box ourselves in our pige ourselves into I always do it this way or this is the

way it quote unquote has to be done because of whatever belief that we have about it instead of how can we make this

easier for ourselves because I'm freaking miserable and I can't think

about doing that or like back to the cleaning the house if I can't do all of

it I'm going to do none of it and remember the same the way you do

one thing is the way you do everything right bring that the dishes um good chance was is a

perfectionist and under perfectionism also falls procrastination so when you

procrastinate so instead of instead of taking those dishes scraping them off after you're done

eating rinse and put it right in the dishwasher they build up and then that

that's where the overwhelm comes right so overwhelm comes from that all or

nothing thinking um and always doing the same thing over and over so if you are

feeling overwhelmed that's when it's a good time to stop and take a step back and look at what is going on look at

your habits because your habits are huge Clues as to the way your thoughts and

your your beliefs and the way you think um and how can you change and do it

differently right and so um you know the housework what are some ways like like

daily that you could do little things these are just examples by the way right but what let let's say house the

housework is something and or now with the holidays you're going to have company over right familyes coming over

oh my gosh I've got to clean the whole house but what are some days some ways on a daily basis that you can do to stay

on top of it so that then you're not spending the entire weekend cleaning your house right um you know getting the

laundry to the washer getting it done folding the clothes as they're coming out of the dryer like there's just like

little things that like I don't feel like doing that right now but once you do it and get into that habit of doing

them little by little um it gets much easier and it's like that overwhelm

dissipates because now you're not looking at you know piles and piles of laundry

and the you can't even use your kitchen sink because it's full of dishes and you know what I'm saying like it's just um

it it adds up and it piles up on top of each other with that All or Nothing m set yeah and I think another good piece

of it too is like for myself I tend to go in phases like some weeks I'm really

great about staying on top of it like you were just saying and it makes me feel so much better because it's not a

mountain of things to look at remind it's a reminder right like oh you need to do this at some point and it just get

keeps getting bigger and that's when the overwhelm sets in and some weeks I'm great about doing it as it's happening

and other weeks like last week we were all really sick so stuff's piled up so

I'm feeling the overwhelm y yeah and obviously you need to give yourself a break right for sure

show some self-compassion on weeks that um some weeks are just nuttier than

others um or you're sick or whatever and it's just giving yourself a Break um and

I think as moms also it is okay to ask your kids and your partners your

spouse to help out like sometimes why why do we take that all on ourselves

right we have these we moms are notorious for the all or nothing because it's

like and there again underlying reasons some of it's control right then if it's

G to get done I've got to do it otherwise it's not going to get done or if it's gonna get done right I've got to do it myself I'm guilty of that last one

for sure so so it's um there are a lot of those under and underlying beliefs

that are running your show um and then you brought up a good point as like when you said like the piles of laundry and

the piles of dishes and stuff is like this reminder it's not only just a reminder of feeling overwhelmed it's

also depending on limiting beliefs I suck I you know why can't I do why can't

you know I why can't I get organized what is wrong with me right like it then all that that negativity just also piles

up along with the laundry and the dishes so um this Allard death mindset I are

you you know if you're listening to this right now are you recognizing any of this in you um I know it's a lot easier

sometimes to point it out in other people right but take a step back and be honest and do you recognize any of this

in you because a lot of us have at least some of this right some of it to different varying degrees um so which is

why we're talking about it and during the holidays it really highlights also because we don't want your holidays to

be just a stressed out you know two months of nothing but

stress um it doesn't have to be like that no we want you to enjoy them and that's the whole point right like the

most magical time of year and I feel like a lot of people say that in such a sarcastic way now because there's so

much stress there's so much to do there's so much money to spend like in

especially right now stuff is so expensive like just basic stuff is so

expensive and I feel like everyone's feeling that especially this year um so

it's just making it even more stressful and so we want you to enjoy your holidays like if normally you spend x

amount of money on holidays and it gets everybody a few gifts or whatever but

this year the same amount of money is going to buy like two or three things in instead of enough for everyone like how

can we still have a magical time of holiday season with doing a little bit

less but still like being present and making memories it doesn't have to cost money um so we're taking that all this

is what I normally do this is how it quote unquote has to be how can we turn

it into more of like I said earlier like that Gray Zone yeah so well I'll give a

a real life example of Thanksgiving this year I hosted um which is how it usually

goes um but usually in the past I put it all on myself like you know people will

ask what can I bring oh no no no you don't I got this i got this right this year I'm like you know

what you can bring this and you can bring this and could you please bring

this right and it was so can't even tell you so much less stressful like bada

bing bada boom we were we ate at and everyone you know because you know as

your kids get older and every they get significant others and they've got other meals to go to and stuff so it gave them

the opportunity to do that but I wasn't a stressed out mess right and it wasn't

like you had to get up at 400 am and like do all this well I still did that the turkeyy turkey has to go in but you

can go back to sleepy but I got up earlier that I needed to um but as we talked about before I'm dealing with a

little bit of insomnia so I was already awake anyway so um but you know I wasn't like and I did

the R so I there you know there are some dishes like are non-negotiable right so

homemade rolls is one of them for me so but I did them the day before Oh yeah and I just reheated them you know like

it like one day is not gonna make a difference and we did a lot of that too like prep a couple things like a day or

two before um we split the responsibilities of who's cooking what

yeah I felt the same way like it was so much less stress um I really like how

can we make this easier for ourselves and everyone else yeah and I will say I

will say too my fiance did all the cleanup he wouldn't even let me in the

kitchen I'm like so that did help right and who wants to do us someone we're that stressed out anyways exactly

exactly so so what are some other like ways that it could apply to holidays I

guess like um I know one thing like um some people love to decorate for the

holidays right and I do too but some people if it

stresses you out and you feel like oh you're in competition with your neighbors or you know like taking that

right away what amount of decorating is going to make you happy and feel like

you know you got the holiday um joy and and you know happiness and coming you know how

much decorating is it going to take for you to do that because if it's just going to stress you out you know to look

like a Martha Stewart Christmas card then don't do it right right and

Christmas cards speaking of which is one area like every year for 30 years I have said I'm going to do

Christmas cards this year guess what I haven't done them because it was just it was too

stressful like for me to and like people know especially now like they they

see I don't know everyone they follow us on social media yeah they know what's going on exactly and you know I'm the

opposite I used to do Christmas cards and now I don't anymore because you have to plan way ahead for

them for one and if you do ones like like your personal photo ones as the

card itself you really have to plan way ahead to get them in time to then mail them back out plus they're super

expensive I was looking at some because I was like oh maybe I'll do some like at least I I took it a step further and I

was like oh maybe I'll do it and I like picked one and just plugged in how many I thought I might need and got the price

and it was even on sale and I was like uh no now I love receiving cards right same

but maybe one year and you know what that's fine and honestly for this year too I feel like every year as it comes

as my daughter gets older and I have more wisdom maybe I feel like I'm

getting things done earlier in the season and like stressing out about it

less yes and I'm not sure if it's that like growth mindset or just not caring

as much or all of it yeah it's well definitely growth mindset

right right so if if um you know you know when you stop when you start

beating yourself up stop for a second and take a look back be like okay like

even five years ago how was I you know how was I was I stressing out even more

or to give yourself some credit for how much you've grown and how far you've

come and the changes that you've made made and it doesn't mean like somewhere down the road maybe you'll be like I'm

going to do Christmas cards again right like there's there's no right or wrong with with that tradition like one

tradition that we do is we make my grandmother's Christmas cookie

recipe and um the boys come over my grown boys and now will be my

granddaughter too um and you know their wives and stuff and um decorate the

Christmas cookies um and that is a tradition that I want to keep right and

and pass down um but you know

I I have certain decorations that we put up um some years like when I was in the

middle of my divorce I didn't even get a tree right like it totally depends on your season of life and where you're at

because like I said right now I'm planning earlier I've gotten a lot of my shopping done already um because was

thinking about it earlier because I had the room to I guess and before like it

didn't happen until a few weeks before you know the holiday and then it's like so stressful because is it going to get

here in time I still have to wrap everything and you know saving rapping till like the day before or whatever and

it's so miserable and instead now that my daughter's older and we can do more fun holiday stuff is like I want to

spend the time decorating with her I want to spend the time wrapping gifts together for other people or last year

we started this fun thing where we didn't use like regular wrapping paper for most of our gifts um we saved a lot

of like you know the paper packing material that you get that's like really idea round paper we wrapped with that

and then we painted on it like it was so much fun and we had the time to be able to do that and so it's like how can you

save yourself the time to be able to do the things that are more fun right and

if you feel like you don't have the time time then what is taking up your time exactly and how can you rearrange that

or like you said earlier like that flexible thinking like if I still have to do shopping and wrapping how can I

make that easier can I do more of it online can I you know get it gift

wrapped if I have the extra money to do that or does it need to be wrapped can I put them in gift bags

like so many so many ways to think about that yeah and some of this boils down to what is important to you right and keep

that stuff and change the rest right not not necessarily what it I

mean let me see not necessarily like totally ex out like I

don't care what's important to you I'm just going to do what's important to me that's not what I'm saying here right like but at some point you have to

um decide what traditions you want to keep and um what is going to create the

least amount of overwhelm like with my divorce I had to let go of having to

make have everyone there on the holiday does that make sense like

because it it just would create fights and stress and I didn't want it so I

didn't I don't and even to this day I don't care and I tell my boys that I don't care as long as we all at least

make an attempt right to get together around that time um so and but for some

people like if you're stuck like no it has to be this day you know um it's uh

going to create a lot of stress and Chaos for you unnecessarily especially as your family grows

like oh my gosh we have to take in consideration like so many people's schedules and so so many people

schedules and it's so frustrating so it's like okay well how can we pull it

off it doesn't matter when it is like let's just figure that out um yeah and

another thing too is with like food I think we talked a little bit about this

in one of our last episodes but the All or Nothing around eating in

general and holiday food because there's just like so much of it so wanted to

talk about it really quickly like and if you want to listen more the whole episode I think it was episode

22 we so good remembering the numers me

look no I lied this time I was wrong it was 21 no I don't know 21 or

22 because we don't I don't have the don't have 22 listed no I don't 21 or 22

holiday food frenzy yes but yeah so thinking about how much food there's going to be

and like we were saying it's like this all or nothing thing I want to eat of it

okay well how's that going to turn out how has it turned out for you in the past um or on the flip I'm not going to

eat any of it and go into it with like that restrictive mindset and how does that turn out for

you um I feel like a lot of times the All or Nothing thinking has like that pendulum effect because we start and we

mentioned this earlier like we start with the all like we have to do it this way but if we don't then we

automatically flip into that nothing side and finding like that gray

area like especially with food okay these are the parties or commitments I have and if I normally go to them I sort

of might have an idea of what the food scape is going to look like what have I enjoyed in the past what do I really

want to enjoy how can I how can I be okay with doing

that right how can I let myself enjoy that right I'm glad you mentioned

parties because that's another thing too you know how many parties do you get invited to do you have to go to all of

them right and we how often do we feel like we have to justify why if we don't want

to or we're not going to we have to I know we feel so bad if we don't go especially if it's when we go to usually

like what if it's on the same day as something else um a day you had plan to go get your Christmas tree or do

something else like M what's going to make you happier stressing out about

going to a party and if it's a potluck or whatever to bring something or Yankee Swap

or stressed out just thinking about it I don't

really oh gosh let's just skip right to January 2 right well I don't know no but

that's the whole point like that's not how we should be able to enjoy and it's

hard during the holidays because um if you work you've still got work and you

got all this extra stuff so what this is where it comes down so one of my suggestions one of my top ones would be

what is important to you is spending time with family important to you is you know um buying

yeah buying perfect gifts for everybody like big deal to some people right right

if you're especially if your love language is gifts um is buying gifts uh giving gifts um if if that is important

to you but the budget's not allowing it this year how can you still give people

meaningful gifts you know that still satisfies you and is Meaningful to you and to them

right like so it's stopping you don't have to break yourself you don't have to go into debt during this time of year

because you're in this all Oro mindset that it has to be all of it imperfect

and that you know that's just it and like Ashley mentioned that pendulum when

you're at one end of the pendulum and you're like okay I'm G to practice getting out of this mindset right

sometimes usually we swing all the way over to the other end of the pendulum when we kind of missed we kind of whoop

there's that gray area we go right by it and we go to the other end so just know

that and but also notice when you're doing that and sometimes it's just easier to it's probably going to happen

like as you start practicing these things going from all to the gray we do

tend to bypass it like you said like it just happens because well if I'm not going to do it this way well then we

turn to the opposite right but it's not about doing the opposite it's about finding that flexibility I think

that's kind of the key point of everything we're talking about today is like opening up the possibilities and

just because I something this way what is a similar way that probably gives us

the same end result but allows us to have that flexibility and not stress it not

stressing ourselves out um not taking up all of our time not spending all of our money um not taking up all of our

energy and and how do you want it to feel like how do you want your days to

feel do you want them to feel over welmed I would think most people would say no I don't um so how do you want to

feel instead well what do you have to do to get that feeling instead of this feeling of

overwhelm and and it can't stop there then you have to do it right right

that's for so many of us fall short it's like yeah here's how I want to feel here's what I need to do and then we get

go back into that overwhelm again right right exactly and that's where I think

I've gotten better about like doing my shopping earlier like because I used to save it or not even save it like just

didn't do it I don't know I don't remember like just busy I don't know

maybe I just didn't plan like this year I started thinking about some Christmas gifts for people like way ahead I think

I bought my first one like months ago because I was like oh it's on sale this will be a great one for somebody and so

planning helped a lot sometimes I even make a list like this is what I want to get for everybody um sometimes like this

year I don't have that but I definitely started shopping earlier because I didn't want everything to be squished in

till the last week or two and be stressed and be rapping and just did I get this for this person did I get this

for this person like it's too much so that's why I said like I'm going to shop

earlier and get most of the shopping done and then I can enjoy the rest of the

stuff because stuff right all this stuff like like having hot chocolate and

watching Christmas movies and decorating putting lights up and my daughter and I like to read under the Christmas tree

lights like I don't know making cookies is definitely another one that we like uh playing outside so for you Ashley

What feelings go along with all those things like spending the time with the people doing the fun stuff but what how

does that feel to you like what kind of emotions does that bring up up to you like the love and happiness and like the

joy the magic of the Christmas time I guess yeah and so if you car car's

coaching me right now sorry it's okay I'll be invol I'm

just use it as an example because oh it's a great one because so that's how you want to feel and you know what

activities will contribute to those feelings right to to um

bringing those feelings up versus and you and you've been at this doing this long enough so that now

you've learned oh if I do my shopping earlier then that allows more time for

the things that are more meaningful well not more meaningful to me but don't it doesn't create the shopping doesn't

create this um last minute chaotic right overwhelming stress for you so you have

the time now for these other things that that really help create that feeling

that you want to create right exactly you nailed it

nail so um yeah yeah what are some other ways that people

can do this like how if we're so used to it this All or

Nothing how do we do it like you mentioned figuring out what's important as a step yep and kind of planning and

how you want to feel right Y and

planning and do doing it you gotta do it but also like you said plan you got to

plan it out right so like we both have planners and I don't know what I would

do without mine um and I love so people don't like this I love making a list of

things I have to do and checking them off yes I recently switched my attemp my

not attempt my uh execution of that though to be honest and I used to have

like scraps of paper like old envelopes or stuff that was going on the recycling bin and I would just like make this

really long list and scratch it off but then it just sat on my counter and I had

to look at it and I didn't like it like over overwhelm right so I switched and I

put all on my phone like in a notes in the notes app on my iPhone

yep plan yeah I only have to look at it when I go look at it though it's not

it's also not in my planner sitting there reminding me like when I'm like oh I need to do something what was that I

can go look at it and I don't have it like on my home screen or anything I have to go look for it to do it so it's

not like that constant reminder and yes I like to check stuff off but after a

while because I leave them so long it just looks awful it looks chaotic stuff

gets lost like so I've recently switched to doing that that way and I don't know if it'll stick for the long term but

it's worked so far good because that wouldn't work for me right because I would just if it's put away I forget

like I you know out of sight out of mind so so for some people that and this is great because it shows you Ashley and I

are not just alike so what works for her I know would that would not work for me

um I need to I put my list right in my planner that's a part of my day um and what I

need to do that day um and then you know I can check it off for

that day or week or whatever um and I will say I've also been at this long enough where the whole housekeeping

thing I do do I keep up with the like the dishes they don't sit I can't I

cannot stand it stresses me out when I wake up the next morning and walk out

down to the kitchen and it's you know dishes from the previous day or night whatever are all over that I stress

problem with that so I have gotten into the habit of even though once you get

into the Habit you just do it you know right like I there's no like I don't feel like doing this I just do it um

after we eat and and you know everyone's also old enough to help now um and so

you know they can clean their own dishes off and at least put them in the sink

say at least make it to the sink then I just rinse and stick them in the dishwasher but sometimes they do the dishwasher too um when my kids were

little this was actually part of my Stress Management I love it because what would

happen right kid little kids Cheerios crackers right all and then crumbs all over the place right so part of my

Stress Management when my kids were little is I took 10 minutes in the evening after the toys were picked up

they were all bathed and they were sitting you know with maybe a a evening

snack or whatever but I would take 10 minutes and run the vacuum through the main living area of the house because

then I didn't have to I wasn't stressed out all day long like I just vacuumed

right um get that you know those crackers you're making a mess whatever like there just wasn't that I was like

whatever I'm gonna vacuum later you know and just 10 minutes a quick z z z right

to to get it done with so there's just like different ways get creative like what is going to help you what is going

to work for you um the those disinfectant

wipes super handy for just quickly wiping the bathroom down every day like

literally takes 30 seconds right right like we're not talking deep cleaning here like just to keep things touched up

things put away um sometimes the laundry still does um add up like out of the

dryer um but try to when it get it comes out if I just quickly fold things as

they come out um that has been very helpful too um because how stressful is

it like combing through what what you're trying to find through even a clean load of clothes right um so think about what

is stressing you out and what are some solutions to it and if you say I don't have time to do

all that well you clearly don't have time to end up taking care of huge loads of laundry and dishes right or how many

say add to your day sorting or looking through that clean lawn like I'm doing it right now and it's frustrating and

every day I'm like I need to put all this stuff away and I have not done it yet but it's takes time to sort through

all that clean stuff to find what you're looking for whereas if we put it away like it's probably where it's quote

unquote supposed to be in your closet or whatever and it just makes it so much easier or at least like fold it and

leave it in a pile on top of the dryer at least you could see what's there like I don't know and honestly right now I'm

leaving most of our socks on top of the dryer and people can just take what they want but not even just but the time but

also the frustration like you know getting that negativity to your day negativity and not just from yourself

but also from you know your partner or your kids like I can't find it right

like um and putting things away where there supposed to be that's an issue

sometimes in our house it's like just put it where it's supposed to be and you'll always know where it is right

right so um yeah just it's like little things like what is irritating you what

is stressing you out what is making you feel overwhelmed notice what that is first name it and then decide what you

can do to create more

um structure now if you're the opposite end and you've got so much structure that there's no compromise on it then

you need to also take a look at that like okay what am I so rigid on and like uncompromising on and if it really is a

a value that is like like no this I'm not compromising on that then you know

that is okay too um this is up for you to decide where you can become more

flexible and maybe where you need more structure right and like you said like asking for help too because or looking

for it like if the laundry going back to the laundry example is something that's stressing you out look at what other

people are doing like on social media there's so many like life hacks and whatever out there um because I feel

like if I was really stuck in an area I wouldn't even know how to change

it I guess so like look for some outside ideas and you can probably tell whether

that would work for you or not or just try it and see how it goes like like we always talk about

experimenting yeah because it's about practicing that and that's but it's consistent practice so you know you

can't try one tactic once and be like this doesn't work for me right and it

might not feel good at first because it's out of your comfort zone because if you know if something's not part of your

normal routine it's not something you are familiar with it's going to feel uncomfortable at first for sure um so

just kind tossing it aside and oh this doesn't work but you never really gave

it a fair shot um isn't the way to do it either but that consistent practice um

is the way to do it and you're probably sick of us hearing us say that but we're gonna keep saying it's so true because

again like I was very of and on about like menu planning for for our meals

before but the last about it now exactly the ma the past month I and part of it I

think was I started posting our menu plan for the week in our Facebook group

to kind of help other people with ideas or get ideas for like the next week by posting it saying like you gave me an

idea today good what are you guys having you know like and part of that the Habit

right the doing it every week getting into the routine like this is when I do it on this day and this is when I do the

grocery shopping or within a few days right like this this week I did it a little bit earlier um but usually I do

it on Mondays um but this week I did it earlier because the holiday I had extra time or whatever but I've really been a

lot better and it's been making the weeks so much easier and like I feel better about oh well we have a meal not

like you know when you don't have a meal plan it's like oh my gosh what are we going to do and then most of us aren't

happy with what we're feeding our families at that point either right right yeah and like you like you did you

notice you just said that felt that feels so much better exactly so it's it's creating that feeling how do you

want to feel in um in your day today and

not that you're always gonna feel like that either right some weeks I'm not gonna do it I know it right but and when

you find yourself going back to Old Habits or patter s stop and notice that

you are it's okay but then it's like okay this is why I'm feeling overwhelmed or

stressed out again because I fell back into that because remember in in your brain you're creating when you're

forming new habits you're creating new nerve Pathways but those old ones are still there like hey still here when you

need me um so and it's eager to jump in there because again those are more

well-worn Pathways so eventually though if you keep up with the new one the old

one will get pruned a little bit and won't be as strong so um your habits

aren't just what you're doing it's what you're thinking also um so it's again

consistent practice yes and it I think that's what's so hard for everyone like

the starting the thing and then maintaining it for as long as you need to to make it part of

your whatever schedule routine whatever yeah um that's the hardest part it

really is and so I think when Carrie says like why is it important and how

does it how do you want it to feel really keep that in mind when you're doing this because at first doing the

menu planning was like uh whatever I was just doing it because I don't know I

wanted to obviously because you were preaching to us about doing it exactly

but now I can see the benefits of it like the first few weeks whatever I

don't know it was what it was I was trying this out right like when we're trying something new we're like quote unquote on track um and then we

typically fall off but this time I kept with it because I was like oh this is making our weeks so much easier like I

know I have the ingredients for this meal I have a general idea of which days we're doing what only because some days

we don't get home until really late so I really try to pick some really easy quick ones or ones that can be like

prepared and ready for us when we get home um and then we're not getting home at 700 p.m. and being like what are we

eating like that doesn't feel good and I hate it and so that's I you guys have

heard me say this before my least favorite question is what's for dinner I hate it and so guess what nobody asks

that anymore but you and you brought up a good point too Ashley that um when you

first started it it didn't feel good right right it wasn't the feeling that you were actually going for initially

exactly why we say you've got to keep with it don't just try it you know I oh I tried meal planning for a week and I

hated it like give it an honest shot exactly like if

you're if a baby gave up the first time they're trying to walk the first time they fell none of us we still all be

crawling right like you got to stick with it long enough to give it an honest shot to see if it's working for you for

sure and and now it's kind of fun like and sometimes if I think of a meal I'll be like oh I want to have that next week

and I'll like again I'm using my notes app to make the menus like I look at it

when I need to or want to and I don't have to look at it any other time um so if I think of an idea I'm like oh let's

put that on the the menu uh idea for next week and oh what do I need for

groceries oh I'll add that I do a lot of online ordering um for grocery Grocery pickup that's another time saer too

right it is I love it oh my gosh we typically do it like when we're going into town anyways instead of having to

make a separate trip um and so you can plant it around there but I add the stuff to my shopping cart right then and

there as I'm figuring out what I need or if I run out of something I just start adding it into their um then so I don't

forget about it yep yeah that's a great idea that you brought up about the um online shopping I haven't done it yet um

but it's good to know so you really like it I do and there's some quirks to it

obviously like if you need something super specific and they don't have it or it doesn't get into your order for whatever reason

like that causes some things um you get home and realize you

don't have it or do you find out ahead of time you can find out ahead of time more or less um or like if they have

they substitute items for you they usually run it by you like you have to approve or deny it um you can make

suggestions for substitutes like if you don't have this then I'll take this um

but for the most part it's very handy um and it saves me so much time for

shopping in general but also like I said I only go do it like while we're going to be in town anyways right um instead

of making those extra trips although if they don't have something then sometimes you do make the extra trip

but because it Ashley and I kind of live the booties very true very true so um

going into town it's not that far but um it's not like just running down to the down

exactly but yeah I really enjoy it it's super handy to me um one of the first

few times my daughter was like well isn't this lazy and I was like I

no that it's not getting right like we're not walking around the store true

we're not getting activity in that way and we're saving ourselves time so we can go home and hang out together

instead of being in the grocery store which I hate I I used to really kind of

like grocery shopping um because of my job right like everyone asks about new

products and have you seen this and but most of the time it's me standing in the grocery store looking at stuff and being

like why did they do this what are these new products oh my gosh they're

ridiculous um and fighting other people in the store and again we live kind of

in a smaller area so there's a lot of Labor shortages so sometimes you're standing and check out forever or

checking yourself out yeah and I it's not for me anymore yeah I don't BL that

I think that might be something I need to start trying and Al I know that we kind of are

off a little off topic at this point but I feel like it saves US money because

you're not walking by everything anymore and the cool thing about the store app that I use and probably most of them are

like this it's like when you search for something to add to your cart it brings up the very very first one is like the

one that you usually buy or have bought before and you can probably make like a I haven't explored it too much but you

can probably make like a a list of your favorites or whatever and and this is

kind of like the candy at the checkout aisle but at the end when you're like going to submit your order or whatever

it's like did you forget these items and it's like all these items that you typically buy and it's like oh yeah I

did thank you or or actually no I don't need that but I feel like I've saved

money by not like impulse shopping well it sounds like you've saved frustration too all of it Y and time so frustration

time and money so and and again but that that can

I can see where that falls into the All or Nothing right it's like again no I got to do it myself or it's not going to

get done right I don't trust anyone else to do it that's another big issue with the All or Nothing that's definitely a

thought sometimes like oh they don't have this that's gonna be like throw a whole wrench in my in my plans

but whatever I will figure it out right that's a great thing I mean cooking is

so you can throw whatever you want into it right or like if that male's not

gonna the worst one I think was I was the worst experience I had

well one of them sometimes they take a long time to bring stuff out because again labor shortages but anyways

um one time I was planning on having something specific from that order for dinner that night that didn't require a

lot of cooking and they didn't have it but then I that was a little bit stressful but I mean you just do what

you do so but that would have happened whether you had gone to the store yourself exactly

exactly anyways that's that's a whole mother story for a whole different day but hope to do a whole episode on online

grocery shopping shopping oh well this was great anything

else did we miss anything I don't think so I think and I know that some of the

like solutions that we talked about aren't super tangible or have that structure like this is exactly how you

do it which is what a lot of people are looking for and we totally understand that but that's what has kind of kept us

boxed in to begin with and I think letting yourself be in that

driver's seat which we talk about a lot um to make your own choices and your own

decisions and your own like um routines or habits or whatever instead of relying

on like these old rules like we talked about at the beginning I think it's much

more powerful and it's all about you that way but you can also make it more

tangible by writing it down exactly so you grab a notebook and it's what is

overwhelming me um how do I want to feel

instead what do I have to do to feel like that right um and it's also being

honest with yourself like if you are have a super rigid mindset um and you struggle with control

which it's hard to admit that um but I've been there too

um if you are perfectionist um I've had some people think that they're not perfectionists

other people were telling them that yes you are and so I pointed out because sometimes perfectionism isn't um like I

said like what what do you mean I'm a per perfectionist my my life is a mess my house is a mess right I'm so

disorganized because that all or nothing right right and

procrastination and the black black and white thinking the very rigid thinking you're not um you're you're kind of a

control freak right that's that falls under this like you if you have that in your thinking it's like um I have to do

it all myself or it's not going to get done or it's not going to get done right but you're complaining that you have to do it all yourself right there's these

are all clues that you have this all or nothing thinking and how is that affecting your

life and it's being honest with yourself um how is it affecting you but how is it affecting other people around you in

your life too because we forget that our Behavior does it has a ripple effect and

it does affect other people um and there are different kinds of perfectionism and one of them is the perfectionism that we

actually put on other people expecting them to be perfect and to do it our way

right like and then if you turn it around it's like well if someone said to you um no this is the way you have to do

this and this is how you have to act we be like what right like you saying it

out loud sounds ridiculous but we all do right but it's how we think sometimes

and we put that on other people but then when the tables turn and we you know if it was done to it's like what do you

mean no that's not how I do it I'm going to do it this way right right but this is what you're put on on other people

anyway we're kind of going down a rabbit hole here yeah but um that all or nothing thinking is um it can be

detrimental to relationships and and to just being successful in life um so

notice when you're doing it um how how would it make your life

better if you had a little bit more flexibility in your thinking um

so yeah that's all I have to say about that that sounds great just kidding I

always have more to say always but we'll wrap it up yes awesome well if you want

to let us know what you think or give us examples or suggestions for others for

how you do something that might be different that might be helpful for other people we'd love to hear them yes

um you can share with us on social media um you can find us in our Facebook group The Links are all in the show

notes um yeah and if you're listening to this around the holidays happy holiday

season to you and if not happy day to you

happy every day that's right and we'll talk with you next time see you next

time love you latte love you

latte